homecoming

It’s late in the evening December 3rd, 2007, do you know where your college student is?

Due to an immobilizing, as of now undiagnosed illness that I am plagued with, I am for the time being no longer in school and at home in Sacramento. I am home to get better but I can’t help but to feel uneasy and at war with myself for being here. It took a great deal coaxing by people who care about me and a lot out of self-realization-brought upon by a session of self-induced throwing-up in the forest behind my dorm-to get me here.
I have an incomplete in my classes for right now; but I would be lying to myself if I were to say that I don’t feel weak, and somewhat like a failure, that I’m giving up. I am haunted by the feeling that I could be at school right now, that I could have been stronger, or if I were more organized, or if I merely tried just a little harder that I could have done it, and seen the rest of the quarter through. This feeling is always behind everything I do and I won’t allow myself to be at peace. Even though I have cried many a night and have been upset about my illness while I was at school, the feeling of being weak and self-disappointment is overwhelming now that I am home and plagues me more so.

I have come to the conclusion rather than squander my “recovery” time, I must use this time to my avail and dare I say be more productive now than I have over the last 5 months.
When one thinks of the vices that generally plague people, one thinks of alcohol, sex, gambling, drugs, illicit/illegal activity etc.
Alas my vices are not at all scandalous and mostly seem to be associated around an inherent lethargy. I am 18 and I am fully aware that my life is essentially just starting but if I don’t gasp a hold of the reins on my life now and take control, then when? I don’t want to set a precedent of wasted hope and ambition lost amongst a couch, a television, the internet, and a abundance of junk food.