what i think

....
no clever, no webster thesaurus

just non sequitur off the dome




i like to point the blame on you as to why it took so long for us to be "together"

but in reality i was just as unsure and scared, even more, than you were about it

it scares me to refer to you as my "boyfriend" even to myself


im still scared

i dont know why i always proclaimed i wanted more commitment, let alone a title when im mortified by the thought

ive never had a boyfriend, relationship, nada, because i always said it would happen when it was meant to happen, and when i meant it

on that pfk-playing for keeps in it 100% shit

something real (real, real)something that could make me move something i could feel (feel, feel)

it scares me shitless that you like me, that you choose me, miss pale awkward-will always have a tummy and nooo sorta ass, outta all them other half naked, drunken beezies who woulda given it up a whole lot sooner than 7 months or the beautiful poetic graceful beezies who you could mind sex with

boys ive liked have never liked me back because they have never seen that i truly have to offer, or better yet my quirks that im not willing to compromise, the crazyiez im not willing to shake out, or the clevage i will skank out and show, what makes samantha sooo god damn samantha

but this boy, who im my eyes is perfect because you are anything but whats to put up with all the dumb-ass-stereo-typical-of-women- GAMES that i put you through

& whyy

sometimes i go through your phone because i dont trust you, but i never know what im looking for or what i hope to find

i just never imagined that having this with someone should be so hard
or be so much work

to take a ever-so cliche line outta bright eyes play book "id rather be working for a pay check then waiting to win the lottery"

i like to try to give you an utlimatums when dumb little arguments happen that i dont give a fuck about but i just try to push you and say shit like "well then maybe we shouldn't be together"

im as guilty as you are for everything that has gone wrong

i know it and am fully aware
i would just never admit it to you

no one will ever love me as much as my cat does, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't let someone try


my father has always told me that he "feels sorry for the guy i end up with"
i never really got what he meant, but now i know it all too well

you have the patience of a god my dear boy

maybe i should try giving you some credit and get off my high horse once in a while


i haven't taken a shit in four dayssss because of the vicidon from getting my wisdom teeth pulled

that doesn't apply to anything ive just talked about but i just thought i'd put it out there, because its annoying me and what i want more than anything right now is to see you & take a shit


im sorry for being sorry

text me to let me know you read this, you never do!!!
but please do it, its just good to know that you did